“Not in MY House! I simply won’t have it,” I warn my kids as I prepare them for our yearly battle with the flu epidemic. I am kind of obsessed with keeping it away from my family. I tell them it is a war and we will pull out every defense we have to combat it. If someone does come home sick, they will be quarantined in a room fumigated with Lysol and disowned for at least a week.
My Battle Strategies
*Avoid children AT ALL COSTS. Kids are walking, oozing sesspools of germs obliviously showering their nastiness upon the world. This works even better if you can avoid people altogether. When the flu is going around, everyone you know could be hiding that enemy bug like the Trojan horse hid the army and it’s just waiting for you to invite it in. Hell no, stay away!
*Lysol is full of chemicals that I usually try to avoid, but right now it is our friend. It will greet you when you walk in the door after school. It will cover you in protection before you touch a doorknob or handle in this house. It will shield you when you walk into a bathroom and sit on a toilet. You can even take it along with you where ever you go because it is now your buddy.
*Find the oil lady in your neighborhood and order some Thieves oil STAT! This magical essential oil is said to have warded off the PLAGUE! Who knows if that’s true, but it can’t hurt. I use it in my diffuser, but I’m thinking of taking straight shots of it. I’ve had shots of worse.
*Do not put your hands in your eyes, mouth or nose for ANY reason! All finger foods and snacks have been banned for the season. I don’t care how boujee you look; you will use a fork for all foods. Do you even know how many germs hide under your fingernails? Disgusting.
*If you do feel sick at school, the nurse’s office is the worst place to go. It is where all of the viruses get together and mingle. When you enter, you are arriving at a party full of cling-ons who will do anything to get into the VIP area. Where’s that, you ask? Inside of you!
*Place onions all over your house. This is an old home remedy that I read about online, so it must be true. The onion supposedly absorbs the flu virus. I am considering sending an onion in the kids’ backpacks, but for now, I have just placed one in each of their rooms. Do you think they will notice? Nah, they are hoarding much stranger things than an onion in there, so it’s doubtful.
*Pop pills like a Rockstar; probiotic pills that is. Apparently, you have a second brain in your gut that basically rules your body as second in command behind the brain in your head. Your gut is the battlefield when it comes to illnesses, and probiotics are your microscopic soldiers. Use them!
*Sleep! Every time I feel like I’m coming down with something, I head straight to the napping couch. Obviously, this doesn’t work if you have a job or kids or any kind of life in general, but you have to make yourself sleep at night. Take dogs, for example, are they susceptible to flu season? No. Do they sleep allllll day long? Mostly yes. Coincidence, I think not.
Obviously, this was all written in good fun and the flu is serious business. I just have to laugh, so I don’t go crazy worrying that my family or I will get the flu this year. If you do have it, I am so sorry!!! I hope you feel better soon and stay away from me. 😉